Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa