Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.