I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail