I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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