I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
