dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
