Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
