I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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