Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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