I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
