My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
