I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
