I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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