Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
