9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Couch. On fire.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
