her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
