My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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