I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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