He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So many bounce houses so little time
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
