I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
