all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
