You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
