I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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