someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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