Tell her she can't have a vagina
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
