There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
