Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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