on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
