She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
