the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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