I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a fireplace last night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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