What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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