And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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