Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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