If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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