I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
