I'm so fucking centered right now
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
