You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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