im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
