I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
