I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
