yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize