It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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