the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
