Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
