John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
organizing the empties. That sober.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
