my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
