I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
