Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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