I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
