Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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