First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
