thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
