Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
