What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
