New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
