There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
