hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
