I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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