I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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